good days and bad days.

i am definitely making progress.

there was no specific day that i woke up and thought "golly...i feel like myself again"

nothing like that.

but if i think about myself 2 months ago, i think of a girl who had no idea what to do. who couldn't help but cry all day. who couldn't bring herself to get out of the house.

these days i have good days and i have bad days.

on my good days i can play candyland. i have patience. lunch is chicken and broccoli. we go to the park. i get the grocery shopping done. i make dinner. i think that i'm fine. i think that i don't need to see a therapist. i'm good!

on my bad days i can hardly do anything. i don't want to get out of bed. i am so exhausted and have NO energy. shopping seems like an impossible task. my children drive me crazy. lunch is a hotdog. dinner is nonexistent. i worry about anything and everything. one little worry turns into two, and turns into many. i can't think straight. i realize that i still have things to work through.

in the beginning all of my days were bad days. slowly i started to have some good days (with the help of meds, of course). the good days are becoming more common, but the bad ones still rear their ugly heads. "we're still here!"

i wish i had control over it. some days matt will apologize. he'll say he's sorry that i'm not happy. that makes me feel worse. i have no control over it. there is nothing anyone is doing, or not doing, that is causing what i am going through. sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. i'll be fine. then i start to worry about something. then something else. it snowballs. i usually can't stop it. nothing anyone says really helps. i need to walk away and try to talk myself out of it. somedays i'm just sad. sad for no reason. everything could be going my way, and it wouldn't matter.

but, like i said, it's getting better. and for that i'm grateful.