i have a baby who turns blue

and no one can tell me why.
10ish days ago macie's hands and feet started to turn purple all the time. like a bright, obvious purple. weird, i thought. breathing normal. eating normal.
it kept happening. so to the pediatrician we went.
"that's weird. it shouldn't be happening"
she sent us to a pediatric rheumatologist.
cbc-normal (neutrophils a little low, per usual)
great, right?
well, yeah. except it's getting worse.
she has a rash. everywhere.
her hands and feet don't turn purple anymore.
they turn blue. like, really blue.
and so do her lips and around her mouth.
and they stay like that for half an hour or so.
and she's crabby. all.the.time.
she gets up at night. all.the.time. shrieking.


busy busy

we've been pretty busy at our house lately.
for one, i graduated yesterday. yay me! (even though i plan on going right back). matt has been an amazing support and i'm so grateful for that.
riley has been busy with finishing up soccer and school. his soccer "practices" are hilarious. he's actually good, but it's just funny to watch such little kids running around and playing soccer.
sometimes i wonder what goes through that kid's head. we had this conversation the other day:
ry: do you think junkyard dogs live anywhere besides junkyards?
me: i'm not sure
ry: well, where else would they live?
me: i really don't know
ry: well that's the point!
what 3 year old tells you what the point is?
sometimes i'll say something to him, and he'll say "that reminds me!" and go on to tell me what it made him think of. it's like talking to an adult.
macie moo has probably been the busiest.
if she allows me to put her on her tummy, she'll scoot in a circle and backwards sometimes. you see the frustration when she wants something out of her reach and she just wants to go.
she has also decided she likes to stand. she'll stand on the chair, holding on the the armrest. she'll even stand at the little activity table i pulled out of the attic. not for long, of course.
she has also discovered a new favorite activity: blowing raspberries. along with this has come increased "talking". she loves to shout and she's started making consonant sounds like da-da-da and ba-ba-ba. oh and she does this AWESOME new gasping/shrieking noise. it's not scary or anything. she gets a big kick out of it "gotcha mom!"
oh and her hands and feet were purple for like 2 days. i called the pediatrician because they were, like, REALLY purple. so now we have to watch that. i was getting her dressed and thought she had gotten paint on them or something.
like i said, busy busy!


i let my kid watch tv and play with knives

not at the same time, of course.

ok so the second part is a lie.

but not the first. *gasp*

and i'm sure there are people out there who would rather have me condone the first.

but there are days when i need to take a shower. or eat. or have 10 minutes of quiet so that i don't have to lock myself in the basement.

so riley gets to watch tv.

not all day.

and he doesn't sit for more than 45 seconds. so he probably only watches in 45 second intervals anyway. (he gets his attention span from me).

we don't eat junk food in our house.

we don't have the tv on during family time or dinner.

we play board games and read books. a lot.

but sometimes tv is a necessary evil.

because mommy needs to maintain some sanity.

i know mommies that don't allow any tv.

or don't have a tv. (we don't have cable).

riley is a smart kid (yes, i like to toot my own horn. i like to think i have had some part in that).

he is a smart kid who watches tv sometimes.

sometimes, tho, i wonder why they advertise the ab circle pro on kids channels. when my kid shouts from the other room "hey mom. maybe you should get the ab circle pro" i am forced to reevaluate my life. and cry myself to sleep. during the day.


good days and bad days.

i am definitely making progress.

there was no specific day that i woke up and thought "golly...i feel like myself again"

nothing like that.

but if i think about myself 2 months ago, i think of a girl who had no idea what to do. who couldn't help but cry all day. who couldn't bring herself to get out of the house.

these days i have good days and i have bad days.

on my good days i can play candyland. i have patience. lunch is chicken and broccoli. we go to the park. i get the grocery shopping done. i make dinner. i think that i'm fine. i think that i don't need to see a therapist. i'm good!

on my bad days i can hardly do anything. i don't want to get out of bed. i am so exhausted and have NO energy. shopping seems like an impossible task. my children drive me crazy. lunch is a hotdog. dinner is nonexistent. i worry about anything and everything. one little worry turns into two, and turns into many. i can't think straight. i realize that i still have things to work through.

in the beginning all of my days were bad days. slowly i started to have some good days (with the help of meds, of course). the good days are becoming more common, but the bad ones still rear their ugly heads. "we're still here!"

i wish i had control over it. some days matt will apologize. he'll say he's sorry that i'm not happy. that makes me feel worse. i have no control over it. there is nothing anyone is doing, or not doing, that is causing what i am going through. sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. i'll be fine. then i start to worry about something. then something else. it snowballs. i usually can't stop it. nothing anyone says really helps. i need to walk away and try to talk myself out of it. somedays i'm just sad. sad for no reason. everything could be going my way, and it wouldn't matter.

but, like i said, it's getting better. and for that i'm grateful.



the other day, my husband told me (as he often does) "you're frickin' weird". he said it with love, of course.
so i got to thinking about it. and i really can't argue about him.
i have several...i'll call them..quirks
  • i can't drink water at night. it makes me sick. for whatever reason, if i wake up at night and have some water, it seems to have a syrup-y consistency. then i want to vomit.
  • when i'm upset..don't touch me. i'm sure there are other people out there like this. my hubby thinks it's weird. i cry. i stomp. i want him to say nice things. but i don't want to be touched. and i complain and get upset about the nice things he says.
  • i cannot relax. not even if my life depended on it.
  • i check the stove and doors every night before i go to bed. three times.
  • i am creepily picky about hotels. i have, on several occasions, made matt leave hotels because i was creeped out by the room.
  • i also make him leave restaurants if i don't get a good vibe. even if we've already been seated. and ordered drinks.
  • i usually have to sleep with one leg out of the covers.
  • i frequently rearrange the furniture in our house. like a lot.
  • everything makes me nauseous. one time, i told matt he needed to stop talking, like now, because i was going to vomit if he didn't.
  • sometimes i will re-read an entire page in a book, newspaper, etc because i "feel" like i missed something.
  • i am terrified of centipedes. i once saw one scurry under our dryer and watched to make sure it didn't come out until matt came home. then i made him move the dryer and kill it.
  • i will fight about anything. anything. if i think i'm right (and well..i always am), i will fight you about it.
  • i remember everything. sometimes based off of where i was sitting, what i was eating, or what i was wearing.
  • sometimes i go to target 3 times in one day. oops.
  • taking a bite out of a hard boiled egg without slicing it completely grosses me out.

weirded out yet? i'm sure there are more.


6 months old!

i have a 6 month old baby.
i can't believe how fast it has gone, just like it did with riley.
sometimes it's hard to remember how little she was when we first brought her home. the way she would curl up on your chest and sleep. the way she loveeeeddd to be swaddled. her tiny little squeak cry.
now i have baby gigantor. macie actually turned 6 months old last friday, on the 30th. but we just had her 6 month doctor visit yesterday.
  • macie is an awesome sitter. she sits straight up, unassisted for pretty much as long as we leave her be.
  • she still loves to talk. you can see that she's trying to imitate sounds and the way you move your mouth now.
  • she loves her exersaucer. she can spin the seat around to get to all of the toys.sophie the giraffe is another favorite. you know, biting its head and choking it.
  • the hatred of the swing continues.
  • she tolerates the bouncy seat (we now have 3 different ones.
  • she likes her playmat, but she'd much rather be upright.
  • tummy time is still the bane of her existence. the pediatrician said she might not have much of an interest in crawling. when she does roll to her tummy, she pushes up and tries to "swim" with her legs. she looses interest within 3.5 seconds and either rolls back or screams until someone comes to get her.
  • despite this hatred of all things to do with being on her tummy, that is now the way she sleeps. since about 3 weeks ago, as soon as you put her in her crib, she grabs her nuk and rolls to her tummy. go figure. hence the new breathable bumpers that adorn her crib.
  • we had to make the switch to a "big girl" carseat. our lovely (and expensive) britax boulevard has made its appearance. in her infant seat, she would always try to sit upright. one time i went to get her out and found her with her head stuck between the head support and the window. enter new carseat. she is quite pleased with her new arrangements. though she will still thrash when you try to contain her with those darn straps sometimes.
  • it continues that as long as someone is looking at her, she is fine. she'll do her own thing, as long as she can see someone. dare to walk out of the room? you'll pay.
  • she will watch riley for hours on end. she thinks he is hilarious.
  • stranger danger has started to creep in. she'll still go to others, but she has to make sure she can see me.
  • still in size 2 diapers (and some cloth. with more on the way. yay!)
  • some clothes are still 3-6. mostly 6-12 because of the length.
  • hand to mouth coordination is excellent. she holds her bottle when she feels like it.
  • feet remain the greatest thing EVER.
  • she loves walks in her stroller. as long as she can sit up. duh.
  • a few times she has stood on the chair, holding on to the armrest.
  • solids are going much better. squash, sweet potatoes and carrots are her favorites. peas are also a go-to. i gave up on apples after a few tries. i'll have to revisit them. she does like bananas. i finally reintroduced rice cereal yesterday with some pears. that actually went fine. there must have been something about the texture that she had to get used to. i've been making all of her food.
  • apparently she is taking too many bottles. she was going 5-6 ounces every 3-4 hours. i guess she's only supposed to have 20-24 ounces per day. oops. we were also instructed to try to up her solids intake to twice a day instead of once, now that she's more receptive (and less repulsed).
  • macie is still getting some pumped breast milk from my 'stash'
  • we gave her a cup with water yesterday for the first time. surprisingly no choking.
  • she loves her baths, diaper changes, watching everyone, reading books
  • she hates getting dressed, being alone
  • at the doctor she was 16lbs 3 ounces (between 50th and 75th %) and 26 1/2 inches long (between 75th and 90th %). no problems growing here.
  • still no teeth, but i think they're coming. the gnawing is getting fierce.
  • she takes usually 3 naps per day. she finally is able to put herself to sleep (after much eye gauging on my part, and many looonnnggg weeks). she goes to bed about 7 pm. we usually wake her up at 10 or 11 and feed her one more time. then she'll sleep til about 7 or 730. praise the lord.