macie's 4 month stats and the first day of the rest of my life

macie had her 4 month appointment on the 3/4. she was 13lbs 11oz and 25 1/4 inches long. that's from 10lbs 4oz and 22 7/8 inches at her 2 month visit. holy tall baby. she's 50th percentile for weight and 75th for height. riley was always 50th for weight and 25th for height. it wasn't until his 3 year checkup that he was 50th for both. she doesn't have to go back until 6 months. the dr said that, despite everything she's been through, hosiptalization-wise, she is growing perfectly. i like that word. she still hates tummy time, but the dr said her head control is great (probably thanks to the exersaucer). we didn't do shots. we're going to start going to the health dept for those now. our insurance has instituted a $500 max benefit for routine care per person per year. with a baby, that gets eaten up pretty quickly. so that's next thursday. oh yay. we were given the go-ahead to start solids. we started the next day. she's wasn't too enthused. i got a pretty funny video of that initial attempt. we've been trying every day or so since then. she has hated a little less each time. the first few days she just looked at me like "excuse me?" today i mixed in a some apples. aside from the moby wrap, and being constantly attached to my body, i think it was the best thing that has ever happened to her.
now, for the rest of my life. i joined weight watchers today. i kind of laugh at myself when i type that. something needed to happen, though. everytime i step on the scale. or put on a shirt. or pants. i want to cry. i feel terrible about myself. i know it was all worth it. i know i wouldn't trade my kids for a 6 pack. butttt i still want to feel good about myself. and i don't. i've been trying to eat better. but i just don't make good choices unless i'm held accountable. unless i see my day's food choices taunting me on the computer screen, i don't think i'll change. oh. what's that? that block of cheese i just devoured wasn't a good choice? really? but it won't matter unless the computer makes fun of me. the little voice in my head telling me to eat the salad instead of the cheese isn't loud enough. i need shame. embarrassment even. so here i am. i'm still 11 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight. and another 10 lbs from where i want to be. lofty goals? maybe. but i'll be happy with any progress. rock bottom? contemplating buying several pairs of elastic waisted pants and wearing them for the rest of my life. then i came to my senses. how hot would that be? meet my wife. her pants stretch. bah! sooo dieting it is. real dieting. not "i'm going to diet" and then, having the attention span of a fly, eating a block of cheese. i also had a date with jillian michaels this evening. she kicked my ass. and laughed. while i cried