where have you been?

whoa. talk about a hiatus. i've been meaning to tap this entry out for days. weeks? and everytime i find a spare moment, i find something else i could be doing.
there are a few reasons for my tragic absence.
first and foremost, i have 2 small children. they require lots of time. duh.
second, i have been feverishly finishing the final 2 classes to complete my bachelors. yay me (more on that a different time). i have a marketing plan to complete, and i will be finishedddd. so freakin excited!
third (and possibly the least fun. well actually, definitely the least fun) i have been trying to get my postpartum depression under control. blair, over at http://theheirtoblair.com/ recently opened up about her own battle. it got me to thinking. i can be open as well. it's a struggle and writing about it would likely be good therapy. so here i am.
i've been on anti-depressants before. nothing major. after macie was born i didn't notice much of a difference. until about a month and a half ago. it just got harder to do things. like going across the street for a playdate was wayyyy to much to ask of myself. tired all the time. i felt like i could sleep all day. and it wouldn't have been enough. i was snapping on matt. for things like washing the allll the bottle nipples in one load and not the bottles because there wasn't enough room. in my mind i was all "oh.my.god. i can't believe you just effing did that! what the hell??? don't you think? don't you love me? are you trying to kill our child? are you trying to make me mad?!?" then i cried. the world could have ended right there. and matt just stared at me. bless his soul. i would have flown across the room and ripped his face off if he had done that to me. but alas, he is apparently a much nicer and less impulsive person than i am. so that was a little clue that maybe something was a little off. then i went to an info session for a program to get my rn license. the lady told me they needed my high school transcripts. "you whattt? i'm going to have a bachelors degree in a few weeks! what the hell do you need those for?!? what kind of place is this? are you all nuts?!?" i didn't actually say that. after the "informative" session i left. and sat in my car and cried. and cried the whole way home. then i kept crying. all night. and most of the next day. and things just kept getting worse. nothing was going right. nothing felt right. i just felt weird. like i wasn't actually "all there". so i called my ob. because my primary doctor is a scary biatch. and if i had gone there, she would have been all "what.is.the.matter. you are wasting my time. i am a doctor. i am not here to help people *glare*". and i would have whined "nothing. nothing is the matter" and slinked away. so i called my ob for a referral to a therapist. and the wonderful doctor that she is called me back, even though her nurse had already given me the referral. she asked me what was going on. i told her i was going nuts. all i was doing was crying. i was anxious constantly. i was feeling like i couldn't catch myself. i would go to target to buy an air freshener. i'd have to leave because trying to decide between apple cinnamon and fresh linen was so overwhelming i would get sick to my stomach. she prescribed me an anti-depressant to calm my ass down (my words, not hers). so i've been on them for a week. i think i feel a little better *maybe*? i know i have to give it time.
but wow, it feels so great to get this all out. if not to make someone else feel better, it makes me feel better to vent.
oh, did i mention i went to see said referred therapist? yea. and she's a crazy nutjob? yea.
i walk in to her office. and by office i mean creepy house/office/thing. see creepy furniture circa 1970. fill out form that looks like it was typed up on a typewriter before i walked in. smell patouli. want to vomit. do vomit a little in my mouth. sit down on even creepier furniture in other room. see candles. and frightening pictures of children with angel wings. and scary dolls. talk to hippie lady. she tells me she wants to do breathing exercises. i supress a laugh. i make another appointment. i am not going back.
don't get me wrong, i'm all about talking things out with someone. it's just that when i think of therapy, i think of nice, streamlined couches, and a real doctors office. with a receptionist. and chairs made sometime this decade.
so i'll have to call and make up an excuse. and find me a new therapist.