5 months!

macie turned 5 months old on march 30th. gah! 5 months! almost half a year old.

here's what macie is up to:

*she's been laughing more. usually for me or riley. she thinks riley is just hilarious. if he laughs, she laughs.

*solids=still an epic fail. she either makes the "lady. you are feeding me poison" face and proceeds to thrash and cry, or she breaks into a huge grin and just leaves the cereal on her tongue. i gave it a rest for a few weeks. then today i whipped out the sweet potatoes. she tasted it. looked at me, again, like i was crazy, then opened her mouth for more. i think i probably could have wiped everything off of her face and refilled the jar, but i think it's progress. no?
i am looking forward to making my own baby food. you know, once she actually eats it. not only is it wayyy healthier, but it's also wayyy cheaper. $1.25 for a jar of organic baby food? puh-lease.

*she takes five bottles a day (5 or 6 oz each). i've been giving her a bottle of breakfast everyday and it's been going well. yay!

*she has one at about 7 pm and goes down. we usually wake her up and feed her a 10 or 11 pm bottle. if we don't she gets up around 1. if we do she sleeps until 5, eats, and goes back down until about 7. glorious!

*we're still mostly in 3-6 month clothes. some of them are getting a little too short for my long baby. 6 month are just ridiculously baggy since she's longer than she is chunky.

*rolling is becoming more of a favorite past time. especially when i put her on her tummy. i put her down, turn around, hear some grunting (tough work), turn back and she's already over. back to front is still a workout, but she does do it when she feels like it. she has it so rough.

*diapers=size 2 (btw i love love love target diapers. they are way cheaper and (i think) are way more leak proof. huggies she leaks out of the sides, pampers out of the back. we're still trying to get a hang of the cloth diapering. i have a few of the g diapers. i think i need to by the cloth inserts that are specifically designed for them. the ones i have just don't do the trick.

*macie absolutely LOVES her feet lately. she has figured out that it is faster to grab her socks off, rather than rub her feet together until they fall off. oh, and they also make excellent chew toys.

* speaking of toys, we are not such a fan of real toys in this house. macie loves to chew on blankets. and cups. and her feet. and her hands. give her a real toy, and she dismisses it "what is this you are giving me? no time for this nonsense". when she does play with a toy, though, she can transfer it from hand to hand.

*her hand to mouth coordination is excellent! skillz. her newest tricks are to pull her nuk out, then, with maximum concentration, put it back in. she does the same with her bottle. oh! and my teeny tiny baby can now hold her own bottle. she'll take it from me and put it in her own mouth. *tear*

*sleeping. oh the sleeping. like i mentioned: bottle at 7pm, down, bottle at 10pm, down, up at 5 for a bottle, usually back down until 7ish. we can lay her down in her crib wide awake most nights, turn on her mobile, give her her nuk, and she talks/grunts herself to sleep. naps are a different story. naps have been hell. by 9am macie is in rare form. whiney. thrashing. spitting while her head spins. well, ok, not that last part. but the rest is true. she cannot put herself to sleep during the day. why? i have no idea. so for the past 2 weeks i have been putting her in her crib 2 hours after she's been awake. she cries. i go in at like 5 min intervals or so. she cries harder. i give up. well apparently the consistency has had some effect. i still have to rock her until she's almost asleep. but..but then i can put her down, turn on her mobile and she sleeps for like an hour and a half. oh.my.god. i think this is what heaven must be like. besides the other child whipping around the house. hey, as long as he's not playing with knives, right?

*macie is IN LOVE with the baby in the mirror (aka her). she squeals. kicks. and turns away in excited embarrassment. it's hilarious.

*she still feels the same way about her swing as i do about bad drivers. the playmat is better now that she caught the elusive octopus that has been taunting her for months.

*i can finally put her down for small amounts of time. as long as someone is looking at her (attention whore much?) she is fine. but GOD FORBID you look away. you shall pay.

so, in short, my tiny love bug is getting way too big way too fast. i love my smiley, movey, rolly baby. but i miss that little thing that would curl up under my chin in a little ball. now she spralls out and tries to squirm away.

(pictures to come!)

i'm a stay-at-home-mom and i love it (but sometimes i want to rip my hair out)

yep. and sometimes i do.
this is definitely not a debate about who is better: moms who stay at home or moms who work. because i don't think either one is better.
for us, this is what works. we definitely make sacrifices so that i can be at home. i cannot indulge in my baby gap love affair as often as i would like. we don't go out to dinner as much as we would like. oh, and i don't buy $300 pairs of shoes. woe is my life, i know.
i truly, truly love staying at home. i get to watch my two little people grow. i get to do art projects, and sing songs, and play dinosaurs, and go to the museum.
but somedays i have to do art projects, and sing songs, and play dinosaurs, and go to the museum. and it gets lonely. and somedays i just neeeedddd an adult to talk to. today was one of those days. because staying at home is hard work. especially when you have a baby that doesn't nap. and a 3 year old that needs attention, too. and starbucks doesn't deliver. somedays it is just to much work to get out of the house.
today was one of those days. today was a day i was jealous of those moms with careers that they love. those moms that get to leave the house and do something they're good at. sometimes i'm just a jealous whore i guess.
but really, i'm proud to say i stay at home with my kids. i'm proud that matt and i are blessed enough to be able to make that happen. i am thankful that matt works so hard. and at 7pm, when i'm ready for bed i know that for every tough day there are more good days.

but really..can someone make macie nap. her constant gutteral whine is not very becoming. k?

dear macie

congratulations on meeting your 2010 medical deductible prior to the end of january. well done. no more out of pocket expenses for you!

macie's 4 month stats and the first day of the rest of my life

macie had her 4 month appointment on the 3/4. she was 13lbs 11oz and 25 1/4 inches long. that's from 10lbs 4oz and 22 7/8 inches at her 2 month visit. holy tall baby. she's 50th percentile for weight and 75th for height. riley was always 50th for weight and 25th for height. it wasn't until his 3 year checkup that he was 50th for both. she doesn't have to go back until 6 months. the dr said that, despite everything she's been through, hosiptalization-wise, she is growing perfectly. i like that word. she still hates tummy time, but the dr said her head control is great (probably thanks to the exersaucer). we didn't do shots. we're going to start going to the health dept for those now. our insurance has instituted a $500 max benefit for routine care per person per year. with a baby, that gets eaten up pretty quickly. so that's next thursday. oh yay. we were given the go-ahead to start solids. we started the next day. she's wasn't too enthused. i got a pretty funny video of that initial attempt. we've been trying every day or so since then. she has hated a little less each time. the first few days she just looked at me like "excuse me?" today i mixed in a some apples. aside from the moby wrap, and being constantly attached to my body, i think it was the best thing that has ever happened to her.
now, for the rest of my life. i joined weight watchers today. i kind of laugh at myself when i type that. something needed to happen, though. everytime i step on the scale. or put on a shirt. or pants. i want to cry. i feel terrible about myself. i know it was all worth it. i know i wouldn't trade my kids for a 6 pack. butttt i still want to feel good about myself. and i don't. i've been trying to eat better. but i just don't make good choices unless i'm held accountable. unless i see my day's food choices taunting me on the computer screen, i don't think i'll change. oh. what's that? that block of cheese i just devoured wasn't a good choice? really? but it won't matter unless the computer makes fun of me. the little voice in my head telling me to eat the salad instead of the cheese isn't loud enough. i need shame. embarrassment even. so here i am. i'm still 11 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight. and another 10 lbs from where i want to be. lofty goals? maybe. but i'll be happy with any progress. rock bottom? contemplating buying several pairs of elastic waisted pants and wearing them for the rest of my life. then i came to my senses. how hot would that be? meet my wife. her pants stretch. bah! sooo dieting it is. real dieting. not "i'm going to diet" and then, having the attention span of a fly, eating a block of cheese. i also had a date with jillian michaels this evening. she kicked my ass. and laughed. while i cried

where have you been?

whoa. talk about a hiatus. i've been meaning to tap this entry out for days. weeks? and everytime i find a spare moment, i find something else i could be doing.
there are a few reasons for my tragic absence.
first and foremost, i have 2 small children. they require lots of time. duh.
second, i have been feverishly finishing the final 2 classes to complete my bachelors. yay me (more on that a different time). i have a marketing plan to complete, and i will be finishedddd. so freakin excited!
third (and possibly the least fun. well actually, definitely the least fun) i have been trying to get my postpartum depression under control. blair, over at http://theheirtoblair.com/ recently opened up about her own battle. it got me to thinking. i can be open as well. it's a struggle and writing about it would likely be good therapy. so here i am.
i've been on anti-depressants before. nothing major. after macie was born i didn't notice much of a difference. until about a month and a half ago. it just got harder to do things. like going across the street for a playdate was wayyyy to much to ask of myself. tired all the time. i felt like i could sleep all day. and it wouldn't have been enough. i was snapping on matt. for things like washing the allll the bottle nipples in one load and not the bottles because there wasn't enough room. in my mind i was all "oh.my.god. i can't believe you just effing did that! what the hell??? don't you think? don't you love me? are you trying to kill our child? are you trying to make me mad?!?" then i cried. the world could have ended right there. and matt just stared at me. bless his soul. i would have flown across the room and ripped his face off if he had done that to me. but alas, he is apparently a much nicer and less impulsive person than i am. so that was a little clue that maybe something was a little off. then i went to an info session for a program to get my rn license. the lady told me they needed my high school transcripts. "you whattt? i'm going to have a bachelors degree in a few weeks! what the hell do you need those for?!? what kind of place is this? are you all nuts?!?" i didn't actually say that. after the "informative" session i left. and sat in my car and cried. and cried the whole way home. then i kept crying. all night. and most of the next day. and things just kept getting worse. nothing was going right. nothing felt right. i just felt weird. like i wasn't actually "all there". so i called my ob. because my primary doctor is a scary biatch. and if i had gone there, she would have been all "what.is.the.matter. you are wasting my time. i am a doctor. i am not here to help people *glare*". and i would have whined "nothing. nothing is the matter" and slinked away. so i called my ob for a referral to a therapist. and the wonderful doctor that she is called me back, even though her nurse had already given me the referral. she asked me what was going on. i told her i was going nuts. all i was doing was crying. i was anxious constantly. i was feeling like i couldn't catch myself. i would go to target to buy an air freshener. i'd have to leave because trying to decide between apple cinnamon and fresh linen was so overwhelming i would get sick to my stomach. she prescribed me an anti-depressant to calm my ass down (my words, not hers). so i've been on them for a week. i think i feel a little better *maybe*? i know i have to give it time.
but wow, it feels so great to get this all out. if not to make someone else feel better, it makes me feel better to vent.
oh, did i mention i went to see said referred therapist? yea. and she's a crazy nutjob? yea.
i walk in to her office. and by office i mean creepy house/office/thing. see creepy furniture circa 1970. fill out form that looks like it was typed up on a typewriter before i walked in. smell patouli. want to vomit. do vomit a little in my mouth. sit down on even creepier furniture in other room. see candles. and frightening pictures of children with angel wings. and scary dolls. talk to hippie lady. she tells me she wants to do breathing exercises. i supress a laugh. i make another appointment. i am not going back.
don't get me wrong, i'm all about talking things out with someone. it's just that when i think of therapy, i think of nice, streamlined couches, and a real doctors office. with a receptionist. and chairs made sometime this decade.
so i'll have to call and make up an excuse. and find me a new therapist.

opinions?

if you're anything like me, you jump at the opportunity to force your thoughts upon someone else. LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME!
i good friend of mine is having twins. she's mentioned a few times that she wants to find a cute diaper bag. i know she'd like a trendy, fun one (she already has 3 boys). she's not a girly girl. so does anyone have some suggestions for a fun, trendy diaper bag that isn't too girly and has space for twin stuff *wow. that's not a lot of criteria*??? any bags you love? one's to avoid? good deals?
and while i'm asking for help, how the heck do all of you have such cute blog designs? (yea, i'm that internet un-savvy). did someone design them for you? is there a website? i'm a loser. please help me.